I've debated writing about something that happened the other day. I know some people may read this entry and think that I am a bad mom... but I don't want that to stop me... Because it's something that happened that I need to talk about.

I don't know whether you can classify my parenting style as "Attachment Parenting." I most certainly am not in the strictest sense, for the mere fact that I go to work everyday and am not a stay at home mom. But I do abide by some of the tenets of AP, by just following my own mommy instincts.

I've never let Isa "cry it out." I am "still" breastfeeding, and plan on doing so until she's ready to wean. I have a baby sling and use it often, but I also use a stroller when I need to. We own a crib, but it is currently unassembled, and Isa sleeps with me.

Lately Isa has been exercising her newfound wings. She is moving about and exploring wherever her crawl-scoot movements can take her. This morning, in a matter of minutes, she moved from the living room to her sister's room where she began unstacking the Disney videos, which is her new favorite activity. I am trying to encourage her exploration without setting too many limits... within reason.

That said, I have to tell you about something that happened this last weekend.

Over the past few days, Isa's been extremely energetic very early in the morning. On Sunday, she woke up before 6:00 ready to play, but still rubbing her eyes. I was exhausted. I hadn't gotten a good night's sleep in days, having nightmares about money and paperwork, and a general anxiety that sets in as soon as I hit the sheets. Well, needless to say, in my groggy state, I had one objective, to get us both back to sleep. I started nursing her and she lay down next to me slurping away. She kept sitting up and playing patty cake on my stomach. At one point she actually grabbed a hold of my hair and gave it a good yank, wanting me to play with her. I finally settled her down, nursing her again and started to doze off, thinking she too was falling asleep.

I awoke suddenly to a loud thump. I jerked up and didn't see her anywhere on the bed. Then I heard her cry. She had crawled off the bed.

She was fine, apparently landing on her butt with her head on the fluffy pillows that were on the floor. She was upset and scared and I picked her up and comforted her. Her daddy came running in and she looked at him with her sad little face. "Daddy, tell mommy not to do that again..."

She stopped crying right away and seemed to forget about it within minutes. She was happily watching Sesame Street with me at 7:00.

I still feel awful about it.

How could I have been so careless?

My poor baby. Thank God it wasn't worse. What if she had hurt herself? Broken her arm... or gotten a concussion?

When I told my mom about it, she reminded me that the same thing happened to her with my little brother. Except he got a small but very bloody cut just below his eyebrow. Well, I don't exactly remember that happening, I was only 9 years old at the time. Why didn't she warn me?

When we move next month, I'll definitely be making the transition of moving her to her crib. At least for the majority of the night. I think she'll sleep more peacefully without me moving around next to her or quite likely SNORING!

And when she does cry out for me, I'll just get her and bring her back to my bed to nurse her back to sleep. But I will wait until she is snoozing before I fall asleep myself! And if she seems to want to crawl around at the wee hours of the morning, I most definitely will not fall back to sleep! That extra snooze time is not worth it.

I'm sure she'll fall a lot more times in her life. But I wish that I would have saved her from this one. I know I could have.